Body Talk

Over the weekend my husband and I attended a concert held in the home of a neighbor. During the break between musical pieces, the audience drank wine and mingled. So, of course, I started noticing body language.

One of the things that stuck me was the difference in body orientation between the men and the women in the group: When talking with one another, the women would usually stand in a squared off position – facing one another “heart to heart.” The men, however, took a more oblique angle position.

This makes sense when you think about it. For males, the squared off position is unconsciously too confrontational. (Think of the body language of two prize fighters as they face each other at the beginning of the bout.)

I’m not the only body language expert who has noticed this effect. David Young trains bouncers on how to handle potentially explosive situations. A lot of the techniques he teaches are how to read non-verbal cues in others as well as how to send the right body-language signals to customers.

For example, when talking to an emotional customer, Young advises security staff not to stand directly in front of the patron, as this position appears aggressive and confrontational. Instead, security professionals are told to stand to the side, body turned out slightly – a much friendlier stance.

A female manager I’m coaching leads an all-male team. Once she adjusted her body stance to an oblique position, she found her colleagues were much more comfortable around her.

Try it for yourself – and let me know how it works for you.

Well, it’s official. Or almost official. Monday, May 19 is the actual “pub date” for my book, The Nonverbal Advantage. But it’s been for sale on Amazon and in bookstores for a couple of weeks, so I’m not sure what a “pub date” really means. Except that from now until the end of the year, I will be donating massive amounts of time and energy traveling around the country promoting the book. I look forward to it!

And, by the way, I got a great review from John McFarland – a man I now love! Thank you, John.

Shelf Awareness
The Nonverbal Advantage
Reviewed by John McFarland

Studies show that the impact of a business presentation depends heavily on the speaker’s facial expression, hand gestures, body position and other nonverbal communication, with a mere 7% of the impact coming from the actual words in the presentation. If your body language isn’t congruent with your message, Carol Kinsey Goman points out in this practical and highly useful primer, your message doesn’t stand a chance of coming across as intended. “The foundation of effective body language has to be honesty,” she calmly advises while no doubt putting the fear of God into scheming prevaricators who hope to win us over with their artfully chosen words.

Goman presents a complex subject deftly by isolating particularly eloquent areas of the body for in-depth discussion: the face (especially the eyes), the hands, arms and feet. Photographs and illustrations (with a judicious selection of very telling cartoons) reinforce visually what she describes in her text. Even if you already have the meanings of darting eyes and patently fake smiles down cold, her coverage of asymmetrical facial expressions and inclusive (vs. exclusionary) foot positions will add to your arsenal of communication and interpretation skills.

Readers pressed for time and eager to put theory into practice will welcome Goman’s Plug-and-Play sections on “Seven Seconds to Make a Positive First Impressions,” “The Silent Language of Leadership” and “The Body Language of Charisma.” Those who try out a few of the many exercises to increase insight and perception, however, will reap the greatest benefit. “With everyone you encounter, visualize them as a traffic signal,” is one proposed exercise; if that strikes you too much like Barbara Walters in her “If you were a tree . . . “  mode, suspend your disbelief and see if it improves your ability to identify people who are open to ideas and those who obstruct communication.

Goman’s comment that “people are two times more likely to remember you if you shake hands with them” led me to a quick refresher course in the importance of the handshake (and the right kinds). Goman’s discussion of the “Personal Gaze” vs. the “Business Gaze” will also answer why we sometimes wonder, “Is this person flirting with me or do they really mean business?” And for those simply interested in learning to spot a lie or to tell a real smile from a fake one, this handy book delivers the goods.

I’ve been doing quite a bit of publicity for the launch of my new book, and I’m often asked how I came to write it. Here’s the story . . .

As a keynote speaker, I often travel and dine alone. One night at dinner in an ocean-side resort, I noticed a man and a woman seated across the room. It was a beautiful image and it caught my attention. The couple sat in silhouette, framed by a large picture window, while the setting sun turned the background shades of yellow, orange, magenta and deep purple.

Then I began to observe the couple’s body language. During the course of the meal, I watched the man lean toward the woman—and saw her respond by pulling away from him. He leaned toward her again—and again she pulled away. The more the man leaned forward, the more his dinner companion would tilt back. By dessert, he was almost sprawled across the table and she was practically falling off her chair. I couldn’t hear a word they were saying, but it was perfectly obvious that whatever he was selling—she wasn’t buying.

The funny part was, the man seemed totally oblivious to the nonverbal signals the woman was so clearly sending. He would have been much more successful if he had (literally) backed off.

I started thinking of how often I’d seen the same dynamic with the professionals I coach: Managers who just weren’t reading the clear signals of others, or executives who didn’t have a clue how their own nonverbal communication was sabotaging their efforts for success.

At that point, an idea was born. The result is “The Nonverbal Advantage: Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work.”

I’m just starting to promote my new book, “The Nonverbal Advantage: Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work,” and this Wednesday I was interviewed on KNTV in San Jose, California.

As I walked on the set, my interviewer came over to introduce himself and shake my hand.

Good body language move!

The handshake is one of the most important nonverbal signals we have, and so many people don’t realize its power. But now, a new study by the University of Iowa confirms that a firm, solid handshake is a key part of a positive interview. And a “dead fish” can end the interview before it begins.

This research suggests that more important than physical appearance or dress, the handshake is the trigger that sets an interviewer’s overall impression of a person. So, if you are looking for a new job – forget about the resume and practice a good solid shake!

Years ago my husband was a stand-up comic, and he still tells a pretty good joke. But not everyone in the family shares his sense of humor. In fact, at any party, I can look around the room and, judging by their facial expressions and their polite or real smiles, quickly see who “gets” the point of the joke and who is clueless.

But one thing I hadn’t noticed until I read a report from the University of Michigan’s humor psychologist, Richard Lewis, was that another body language cue I could have spotted is eye dilation.

So, the next time you tell a joke – and especially if you are standing close to the people you’re talking to – watch their pupils. When the point of the joke registers, their eyes will dilate.

A quarter of a century ago I was a therapist in private practice who had just agreed to speak to the communications department of a major bank on the “human” side of organizational change. It was my first talk to a corporate group, but from that program on, I was hooked. I became a huge fan of communicators everywhere and a passionate advocate for helping individuals and organizations thrive on change.

Twenty-five years later, here are some of the lessons I have learned about communicating change . . .

It isn’t about strategy. It’s about people. Communicators may develop well-crafted strategies that emphasize the urgency for change. They may enlist eloquent leaders to deliver those strategic messages.

But . . . organizational change efforts (still) fail more often than they succeed. And rarely because of poor strategies. Rather, it’s almost always a “people” issue. If the individuals in an organization don’t agree with the stated rational, if they haven’t been involved in developing the strategic plan, and if they don’t trust the messages they hear from leadership, there will be no successful change.

Emotion is more powerful than logic. Which is not to say that logic isn’t important. Employees need to understand the marketplace realities that are the driving forces of change. They need to know the consequences of not changing. And they need to hear the answers to questions about how changes will impact them personally: What specifically is changing — and what isn’t? What’s in it for me? How does this affect my job and my security? What new skills will I need to learn?

But . . . what matters more than the facts alone is the ability to place those facts into a meaningful context and to deliver them with emotional impact. That is why stories are such a powerful communication tool. Stories create the context and speak to the emotions. Rolf Jensen, in his wonderful book, “The Dream Society,” says that we need to learn the language of emotion – a language which is embodied in myth, symbols, rituals and stories.

What they see is more powerful than what you say. As a therapist, and later as a consultant, I’ve seen how words have the power to inspire, enlighten, and transform people.

But . . . nothing is more depressing than watching corporate communicators struggle to convince an audience with words that run contrary to organizational symbols and leadership behaviors. If an organization is filled with signs of executive privilege (corporate dining room, over-the-top executive compensation, reserved parking spaces, etc.) and the change message is: “We’re all in this together!” — that message will be derailed by the far more convincing corporate symbols. Likewise, if the stated message is “Let’s all collaborate!” and employees sense that senior leadership does not work well together, the collaboration message hasn’t a chance.

Informal communication is more powerful than formal communication. We will always need and value authentic speeches from senior leaders, well-written and well-researched articles in newsletters, and first-line supervisors who are first-rate communicators.

But . . . organizations are a mixture of hierarchical structure and informal networks, and the approaches listed above – executive speeches, articles and first-line communication — utilize only formal channels. None of them deals with the complex web of social interactions and informal networks that are the conduit for up to 70% of all organization information. Grapevine communication is more pervasive, faster, and more influential than formal communication.

I think this response from a participant in my research on the topic sums it up perfectly: “Formal communication focuses on messages the company wants to deliver, with a scope management feels is appropriate, and at a time management feels is right. The reason the grapevine plays such an important role is that it delivers the information employees care about, provides the details employees think they should know, and is delivered at the time employees are interested.”

Nonverbal communication is more powerful than verbal communication. Traditional explanations of human behavior in the business world presume that employees are influenced most by meaning and reasoning.

But . . . recent studies from the Human Dynamics Group at MIT’s Technology Media Lab, Xerox and Intel’s research centers (and a growing volume of other evidence), suggest that this view is seriously flawed. The key to successful change communication may be found in understanding the kinds of signals ordinarily overlooked, especially tone of voice and body language.

All of us express enthusiasm, warmth, and confidence — as well as arrogance, indifference, and displeasure through our facial expressions, gestures, touch, and use of space. If leaders at any level of an organization want to be perceived as credible and forthright, they have to think “outside the speech.” That’s where they’ll recognize the importance of what isn’t being said, but is being communicated.

Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., is a consultant, coach, and keynote speaker who helps association, government, and business audiences around the world thrive on change. Her newest book and program topic is “THE NONVERBAL ADVANTAGE – Secrets and Science of Body Language at Work”. For more information, contact Carol by phone: 510-526-1727, email: CGoman@CKG.com, or through her websites: www.NonverbalAdvantage.com and www.CKG.com.